As I was driving along the 94, a woman merged ahead of me at the Lake Street ramp. Now you really shouldn't really find it all that surprising that I actually let anyone get ahead of me. I'm actually pretty good about feeder ramps, although the later I get out the door, the more likely I am to at least consider speeding up just in case the guy I'm about to let ahead of me drives slower than an orange-triangled farm vehicle. Also, remembering how terrifying I found feeder ramps when I first started driving, I'm always tempted to prove to "New/Student Driver" on the ramp just ahead of me in the right lane, politely signalling and timidly angling into MY lane, that the expy REALLY IS THAT SCARY!!!!!! by speeding up, cutting halfway into the left lane to cause as much horn and brake noise as possible and then swerving back in front of him inches ahead of his bumper. You know, just to freak him out. Better than a cuppa joe when it comes to wakin' you up in the mornin'.

I never really do this. Consider it a character flaw if you will. It's sad to have dreams that you never actually realize. *tear*

ANYWAY, Woman In Blue Ford Thing-bob merges smoothly ahead of me, while I was still thinking...."I'm not late, but I could easily get ahead of her, she's driving slower than I am" (ie: under 80 MPH in the right lane), when I caught a whiff of perfume. I look around me, thinking maybe I'd had a bottle of perfume in my bag. No perfume. In my bag or on my person. My eyes slowly creep back to the car newly ahead of me and horror dawns as I realize the perfume scent is coming from her car. And I can smell it. At 50 MPH. On the Edens.

adies, (and you Joop-wearing gents for that matter - I can scent-spot you at 200 yards and I agree with outlawbitch that the foul stuff should be carefully labelled toxic, collected and destroyed) ladies, the rule of thumb is: if you can smell it on yourself, you might be wearing too much. I'll be a bit lenient here and say that if you can smell it, say, 15 minutes after you put it on, you might be wearing too much. That means, if people in passing vehicles can smell it on you, 45 minutes after you've left the freaking house, you may have overdid it a TAD.

Perhaps your thought was that you leave at the same time every morning and have had a hard time merging onto the Edens, so you thought you'd try to reproduce a pheromone-like effect - one whiff and the targeted driver in the right lane would ease up and calmly let you merge without any incident thinking you are some seriously hot stuff! But hold on! you thought as you realized you weren't sure if you'd encounter a male or a female driver...So you covered all bases by breaking out your husband's Joop and mixing it with your Ciara, then you spritzed away for a good 45 seconds each for definite and total coverage and maximum radius. I'll admit, I was wondering why I was so calm as you slowly merged into my lane. It worked. But it won't work again. Being someone other than Shannon, you're just not my type Better change your combo to a light eau d'toilette and a Porsche, my friend, if you want to get ahead of me again.


Shannon said...

Joop? There's actually a scent out there called joop? It even sounds nasty. No, I don't want any for Christmas.

OrangeMoJoJo said...

It's actually "Joop!" As in "*spritz* JOOP!! I STINK!!!"

Very popular among the Germans, though - even a store in Dusseldorf:

"The "Kö", which stands for Königsallee (King's Avenue) is the street to go shopping in Düsseldorf. Some of the most reputated jewellery shops, designer labels and galleries have their stores here, such as Cartier, Aigner, Lacoste, Eickhoff, Jil Sander, Benetton, Gucci, Esprit, Laurel, Armani, Chanel, Escada, Hugo Boss, Joop, Kookaï, Prada and many more."

For more on Dusseldorf: