1.8.06

"Kill Harry Potter!" says Eoin Colfer


Stephen King, shown here trying to look as benign, cute, and boyish as the cutest widdle kitten oh, yes he is! and John Irving, the author who's books are so good John Lithgow agreed to appear in drag in one of the movie adaptations have asked author JK Rowling to spare Harry Potter's life after the famous British author cryptically stated that two of the beloved characters will die in the last book - one of whom may be the lightning-bolt emblazoned protagonist himself.


Harry Potter shown here trying to make Cho Chang jealous with one of those Beauxbatons sluts

Author Eoin Colfer disagrees and believes Harry should "bite it" in this ("HOPEFULLY!!!") final installment of the beloved series. He says he feels strongly about this because if Harry's killed now, in his prime, the boy magician will be forever remembered and mourned, his legacy living on until the end of time like....Morrison, without the drugs; Jimi Hendrix, without the drugs; or Jimmy Dean, without the fast car - all of whom are remembered forever young, in the prime of their lives, and at the height of their careers. Jimmy Dean has even pothumously developed talent that he never had! If Harry grows old, Colfer argues, lives a quiet life, maybe develops a paunch - he's doomed to be remembered like Elvis "The King" Presley who, as Denis Leary is fond of pointing out, isn't remembered as "The Pelvis" anymore by anyone under the age of 80, but rather as the fat guy in sequins who died on the toilet.

Some speculate that Colfer's wishes for Harry Potter's demise aren't nearly so benevolent. His Artemis Fowl series has been consistently outsold by Harry Potter by about 14 gabazillion copies to one (rough estimate), even though "it's a really good series! It IS! and not one, not ONE movie in the works!"

When asked how he feels about the fact that most of the planet can correctly pronounce "Hermione" while 99% of the same polled slaughtered his first name, "Eoin," more brutally than any telemarketer could do, he lit up a cigarette, stormed out of the room, then stormed back in and kicked the interviewer on the leg, leaving this bruise:

Stephen King admitted that he didn't really care if Harry Potter lived or died, "It's just that, well, it really just doesn't matter anymore. He's too old already and he's seen too much to be the least bit freaked out by even my creepiest character, Pennywise! I mean what's a razer-toothed clown in comparison with He Who Shall Not Be Named?? That's one creepy-ass bastard, I tell you what. Keeps me up at night. Let the kid live a nice quiet life far from the Dudleys."

Pennywise shown here pouting after hearing that King didn't think he was nearly as as creepy as He Who Should Not Be Named

6 comments:

Butternugget said...

Are you saying that you have read them?

It is so easy to find people who have read Potter and the Unfortunate Events series.

What I'd love to find is someone (older than 12) who has read the Artemis Fowl series. We must discuss if you have. And if you have read the Fowl series have you also read his non Fowl books?

I almost got Half Moon Investigations last night, but instead went with vampires.

Shannon said...

I have read the Fowl series and find it aptly named.

My brother likes the series a lot, but I find it, well, a children's series, even more simplisticly written than Harry Potter.

I've not read his non-Fowl books.

Anonymous said...

Ms. Rowling is a godess, you must worship her.

OrangeMoJoJo said...

ummmm...yeah. Please keep in mind, Anonymous, that the only goddess here is the Goddess of Orange.

....I have no idea what that means.

ANYWAY - about Fowl - I haven't read Colfer's work, to be honest, but I promise to read at least one by the end of the summer. I've been meaning to read them, and discussing them with you, Butternugget, over Korean or Thai, will get me to push them to the top of my queue.

Mu said...

I have read the Fowl books (which I like) and one other book (which I am blanking on the name) that takes place in the future with wispy things that feed off pain. That was good, but I liked the Fowl books better (better characters).

Rev Transit said...

"I've been meaning to read them, and discussing them with you, Butternugget, over Korean or Thai..."

Oh, Butternugget, choose Thai... No, wait, pick Korean. Mmmm... No, choose OpArt for Thai, but Korean's so good... Oh, I can't make up my mind.