Where did all the curves go??

I have the hardest time finding a pair of jeans that fit. After spending the equivalent of the price of a really good pair of jeans on over 20 pair in thrift stores, I decided it was time to actually buy a new, decent pair.

Some time ago, after doing extensive research on the Webbernet, I made the terrible terrible mistake of ordering a pair of jeans off of EBay. After visiting dozens of sights and learning all about fits called Marissa and Mercer and Vashon and Blakely and Classic and Bremerton and Natural and Baggy and Boyfriend and Straight and Loose and Trouser and Christie and Kate and Bridget and Muse and Socialite and Ryan and Martin and Harrison and Contoured and Chelsea and Cigarette and Slim and Honey and Lover and Provocateur and Starlet and Twiggy and Rocker and Low Rise and Ultra-Low Rise and Miss Me and Guess Foxy and Blossom Wonder and Lacey Wonder and Stretch and Silver Tuesday 22 and 'Lil Emerald and Hazy Wonder and Classic Bootleg and Emerald Classic Bootleg Stretch and !IT Diva and 'Lil Magic and BKE Culture 21 and Big Star Casey 20 and Fleur Classic and Slouch and Skinny and Military and Outlaw and 503 and Slouch Straight and Boy Cut and 504 Cinch Back and 513 and 501 and Superlow and Nomad and Skimmer and Swank and and Original and Premium Ultimate and 545 and 515 and 525 and 505 and Relaxed and 542 and Premium City and ....... the list goes on and on and ON.

At times I didn't know if I was looking for jeans, a Hip Hop artist's directory ('Lil Magic, Honey), had accidentally logged on to a men's dating service looking for a hot date (Bridget, Ryan), was comparing aircraft vehicles (501-545), had stumbled onto an orchid seller's site (Guess Foxy, Blossom Wonder), or was researching fuel types (Premium Ultimate).

After agonizing and comparing for weeks on end, I finally settled on Joe's Jeans in "Socialite." Joe's Jeans appear to be extremely popular, got high ratings, most large department stores carry them, and they come highly recommended. "Socialite" was labelled their "classic fit," which I mistakenly interpreted as normal, ie: Covering my ass completely but coming up so high on the waist as to make people mistake me for Ed Grimley.

But none of that really meant a thing to me - I was sold on them as soon as I found out they came in a shade of blue named "Bowie." How could I resist a pair of jeans the color of the Thin White Duke's right eye??!?

This particular pair of jeans retails in stores for the insane price of $174. I found a pair, NWT, on EBay for under $60 - WITH shipping!! WOO HOO!! As confident as I was that all of my research efforts would pay off, however, I did make certain that my seller had a return policy.

They arrived about 4 days later, and when I pulled them on, they FIT!!! (Joe's Jeans sizes by waist (!??!!?) so I had made my best guess).

HOWEVER, they didn't even cover my hip bones. Before the zipper was all the way up the length of it's 7 teeth, it was down again and the jeans were back in the packaging they'd arrived in all ready to be returned.

It was horrible. Nobody but NOBODY should EVER have to see me wearing a pair of jeans that hits 6 inches below my navel. Ever.

Unless I'm wearing a long t-shirt that hits mid-thigh! This burst of optimism is the reason they went back into the packaging immediately. If given the chance to think about it, I might have rationalized keeping them for the fact that they are Bowie-colored jeans that technically fit. I could wear with long shirts!

I've noticed that the style of jeans lately is, well, at the very least unfortunate, but at the most just gross. Either the plumbing colleges have been graduating female students by the buttloads, I mean, boatloads over the past few years, or jeans are just too freaking low. Couple that with a short top and I'm seeing way too much unattractive, pasty, doughy skin - a great diet plan for me, turns out! The best women can hope for is that they will not be required to sit for the duration of the time they're wearing these ultra-low-hip-hugger-Twiggy-style jeans, that they can just stand against a wall, suck in their tummies and look hot until they absolutely have to sit down or pass out. Then they leave fashionably early, or take half-hour bathroom break just to take a break and sit on the toilet.

I realize that every generation has a style that is downright ugly or makes the wearer, no matter how gorgeous, look unattractive, even sleazy. If people want to buy into it, that's fine. My complaint is I cannot, for the life of me, find a pair of jeans with a zipper over 3 inches long - new or used.

I'm convinced that this horrible fad was started by someone more cunning than me to make sure that her man is looking at NO-ONE but her.

If you have any suggestions as to brands that hit near to just under the navel, please send them my way!


Rev Transit said...

You could try www.jeansforoldfarts.com

LOL on the plumbing colleges.

And I bet your midriff looks great.

Shannon said...

Jo, this is easy! http://www.baggystyleus.com/store/index.php?act=viewCat&catId=2&PHPSESSID=974199eaff77a63861eca1ec255a5209

You'll have to have an industrial belt to keep the jeans from settling at the bottom of your boxer shorts, but, hey, you can't have everything! ;)

Rev Transit said...

Notice that Shannon didn't defend your midriff.

Shannon said...

I don't have to speculate on her midriff. I know exactly what it looks like and it needs absolutely no defending whatsoever.

I do note that my best friend seems to be using language with my wife that could be construed as flirting...

OrangeMoJoJo said...

"You'll have to have an industrial belt to keep the jeans from settling at the bottom of your boxer shorts"

Just a tad too low, but thanks!

I just know, THESE will be perfect! I'll just have to wait....


Until then:

Rev Transit said...

I look forward to this headline: Ranting Husband Punches Gay Minister for Flirting with Wife

Why does Shannon think that only Jo's midriff needs no defending?

Mu said...

Just wear Shannnon's. No one ever (thankfully) sees his midriff (aka gut).

Mu said...

If Shannon loved you, he would buy you these:

Shannon said...

"No one ever (thankfully) sees his midriff (aka gut)."

Is that the sound of very thin ice I hear breaking there, Mu? *cough* 15 lbs *cough

evandebacle said...

I don't know about you guys, but until someone makes a proper Jojo jean, I am tossing mine out and strictly wearing denim thongs.

Rev Transit said...

I'd say something about Evan's promise, but then Shannon would accuse me of flirting with his improv partner.

Anonymous said...

Makeyourownjeans.com sucks!

I ordered a suit, it came all wrong….Wrong color, wrong measurements, and wrong sleeves. They decided not to take responsibility and fix the problem. Instead they wanted me to pay for *another* suit (at a discounted rate). I guess they want me to keep paying for suits until they get it right…What a rip-off!

They sent me the wrong size (on multiple measurements).
-Shoulders measure 18.75" (I ordered 20")
-Thighs are 23.5" (I ordered 26")
-Color was wrong (They were out of the material I ordered so they sent me a different color w/out asking me - the color they sent looks very outdated).
-Jacket has 4 button sleeves (I ordered 3 buttons)

The customer service is terrible…, everything done via email. I ordered the suit at the beginning of Nov. It’s been almost 2 months later now and they are still giving me the run-around.

Take a look at the negative feedback on eBay; I’m sure it’s all true (no matter what excuse he makes up to defend himself). If you decided to take the risk of buying something from him.

Anonymous said...

makeyourownjeans is a rip-off company. You provide measurements in good faith, they send something 2 to 3 inches smaller in waist and thighs, and even your credit card company and the Better Business Bureau will not be able to locate makeyourownjeans after makeyourownjeans refuses via emails to acknowledge that they made a mistake. Months will go by with you using your work time to compose letters to the BBB and your credit card bank,, visit your bank, remeasure your jeans for all of the emailing to makeyourownjeans. Shipping to any address you see on their packaging will result in additional losses of money. They have no real address. No possibility of return for exchange. Makeyourownjeans simply denies repeatedly that they are at fault. You are left with a pair of jeans no human body can ever fit into, a great amount of frustration and a sense of injustice, and a loss of your hard-earned money. Whoever runs this company (from INDIA!) is a lying, deceitful unethical, greedy thief.