4.12.06

Witch's Devil Gene Located!

Professional American witchfinders of the seventeenth century were introduced to a theory by a few budding witch-fearing scientists. These scientists proposed that a witch or a witch's familiar, though possibly flawless on the outside, must somehow be tainted with evil throughout every fiber of its being. They argued that since this evil was not immediately apparent, it must therefore be invisible to the naked eye, microscopic, and yet, if strong enough instuments could be made so that one could magnify any bit of a witch's tissue, it would be found that every fiber of it's loathsome being was tainted and seething with repulsive evil.

These ideas ("Microscopic thingies?!?!?!? It's not natural to think such thoughts!") brought immediate suspicion upon those who presented them. They were promptly arrested, painfully tortured for extended lengths of time, and burned.

Three hundred years later, brave theorist Sonotmu has uncovered their lifes' work. Testing a few bits of skin and hair from known witch Ann Coulter, Sonotmu found the following gene anomoly:

The newly identified withes gene hexe-666

Ann Coulter seducing ultra-conservatives from her animal print-themed coven space.
If you look closely at her hands (shown below), you'll see her beauty is but a wickedly cast glamour:

Frightened but thrilled by the implications, Sonotmu then went on to aquire samples of tissue from others he suspected were witches. After recovering from an extended stay in the hospital after trying to acquire a bit of skin from the padding of his sleeping wife's palm, he completed his work on the human variety of devil's servants. He then went on to test suspected witch's familiars like feral cats, rats, toads and Teddy Ruxpin.

Suspected familiar, Grimalkin, moments before he was caught as a suspected familiar. "It's the eyes," he said, exhaling a puff of smoke from his cigarette. "I got this buildup of this green devilgene gunk in my eyes. I tried sunglasses once, but oddly, that attracted even more attention."

The Bush administration is feverishly working around the clock to develop a way to test for the witch's gene, hexe-666. All U.S. citizens will be required to test at their designated testing center by December 31, 2006. Anyone refusing to be tested "is obviously hiding something and will be burned promptly, decapitated, then buried in unhallowed ground," says Bush spokesman and newly appointed witchfinder general Cotton I. Mather XIV.

3 comments:

Rev Transit said...

Pimping-- it's not just for Naomi anymore.

I especially like the part about Sonotmu's hospital stay.

Shannon said...

Excellent! Soon the burnings can begin!

I'm recovering nicely, Rev, thank you very much.

evandebacle said...

Why did I have to look at that photo of that person?