These ideas ("Microscopic thingies?!?!?!? It's not natural to think such thoughts!") brought immediate suspicion upon those who presented them. They were promptly arrested, painfully tortured for extended lengths of time, and burned.
Three hundred years later, brave theorist Sonotmu has uncovered their lifes' work. Testing a few bits of skin and hair from known witch Ann Coulter, Sonotmu found the following gene anomoly:
The newly identified withes gene hexe-666Frightened but thrilled by the implications, Sonotmu then went on to aquire samples of tissue from others he suspected were witches. After recovering from an extended stay in the hospital after trying to acquire a bit of skin from the padding of his sleeping wife's palm, he completed his work on the human variety of devil's servants. He then went on to test suspected witch's familiars like feral cats, rats, toads and Teddy Ruxpin.
Suspected familiar, Grimalkin, moments before he was caught as a suspected familiar. "It's the eyes," he said, exhaling a puff of smoke from his cigarette. "I got this buildup of this green devilgene gunk in my eyes. I tried sunglasses once, but oddly, that attracted even more attention."
The Bush administration is feverishly working around the clock to develop a way to test for the witch's gene, hexe-666. All U.S. citizens will be required to test at their designated testing center by December 31, 2006. Anyone refusing to be tested "is obviously hiding something and will be burned promptly, decapitated, then buried in unhallowed ground," says Bush spokesman and newly appointed witchfinder general Cotton I. Mather XIV.