Happy Childermas!

For those who like to tell their kids how much easier they have it now -

Childermas was celebrated (for lack of a better word) in medieval England to commemorate the biblical story of King Herod's "Massacre of the Innocents," in which the ruler attempted to kill the infant Jesus by killing every other kid he could lay his hands on.

(from my beloved Rip-A-Day Forgotten English calendar (Jeffrey Kacirk, Pomegranates):

"In medieval England the juvenile members of the family used to be reminded of the dismal character of the day by a sound [morning] whipping administered in bed...So far as the whipping was concerned, it might be avoided by the children taking care to rise betimes before their elders, and in fact the whole affair eventually resolved itself into a frolic in which the lively and active, who managed to be first astir, amused themselves at the expense of the sluggards by awakening them with a sound drubbing. It is noteworthy that in Wales on St. Stephen's Day (December 26) everybody has long been privileged to whip another person's legs with holly."
- Curiosities of Popular Customs, William Walsh, 1897


What made me laugh out loud was the fact I just immediately assumed this was a German or Austrian custom. Like, just when you thought you were safe from Krampus and your legs had healed from the whippings of December 5....WHACK!!!! And not even a bell to warn you!

The Desmond Tutu Center for Leadership (C4L) asks that we reinstate the observation of Childermas, but without the morning whippings and a more modern focus:

"Just out of solidarity, then, couldn't we set aside Thursdays in some special way, between now and December 28th? Not just to remember the dozens who were slain in Bethlehem by a despot, but to remember millions who are dying in our time because of various factors - including state indifference and recalcitrant leaders who do not role-model what it takes to stop the spread of HIV infection and thus of the AIDS pandemic.

"Here are some ways to do this:

  • pray on Thursdays for children, orphans, and especially infants dying of AIDS
  • every Thursday, do some special reading about this
  • make every Thursday the day that you engage at least one other person to raise awareness about this issue
  • go without lunch and instead make a gift to a ministry for orphans and vulnerable children
"Observing Childermas could be a complementary strategy; a "long war" to borrow an all-too-familiar phrase. Are you ready to take action that is on-going and proactive? In favour of innocents who are either orphaned when their parents are taken by a pandemic through no fault of their own, or worse yet, born with AIDS? When top political and cultural figures promote behaviours that fail to dampen the spread of infection, and behind it the death phase of the pandemic, and the deluge of orphans.There are more and more people who want to do something more substantial than just making a donation, but they don't know how. Here is one suggestion - choose a way to observe Childermas, and stick with it."

The Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu on the hit reality TV show Humanitarian Survivor!
Apparently they were both voted off (see below).

One of the things I love about blogging is how much I learn while doing it. I was vaguely familiar with the name Desmond Tutu - nobel peace prize recipient, opponent of apartheid, humanitarian, Anglican cleric - but I really didn't know much about him before I started googling "Childermas." Here I was going to do a silly little entry about the historically brutal observation of Childermas - a tradition I would never have even known about had it not been for my Forgotten English calendar - and now I've found an amazing person whom I'm going to have to learn more about. But not as much as Angelina Jolie, apparently, who topped a readers poll of the best celebrity humanitarians of 2007 yesterday. Tutu came in third, despite the fact that he'd forgone the "Billy Bob" phase of his life.

WAIWAIWAIT! NO! Hold on! Wait! No! Wait! Hey! Come ON! Cut to a picture of me now! Look at me NOW! No, seriously! Oh, come ON!

Oh, alright. It's the least I could do!


Mike Huckabee's Wooing My Vote

Not only does he wear ORANGE!!! regularly, he's as obviously cold as I am whenever the temp drops below 78 degrees.

He promises an ORANGE!!! cabinet.

The smallest chick has the biggest gun. Cracks me UP!

And he promises to keep the country safe from pea hens.

I never thought I'd say this, but there isn't enough orange in the world, Huckabee. Paula Poundstone put it best on "Wait, Wait! Don't Tell Me!" a few weeks ago: "I'm sure he IS nice and charming and funny. Maybe he could open for me. But do you see the distinction between opening for me and running the country?"

Annual "Scare the Bejeebus Outta OrangeMoJoJo" Contest Update

This article from The Onion may give you a hint as to who's in the lead so far.

So far I've read:

Salem's Lot, by Stephen King - This one got TWO recommendations: sonotstraight and Eevam
Battle Royale, by Koushun Takami - Peepster
The Ruins, by Scott Smith - The Boss of Me
They Thirst, by Robert McCammon - Shannon
Shadowland, by Peter Straub - Paul
I Am Legend, by Richard Matheson - CNN.com's list of "Scariest Books of All Time" (October, 2000), and
The Exorcist, by William Peter Blatty - Papa Schuetter

Left on my list are: (Hey, I warned you I love to draw out Halloween for as long as possible! And you thought I was kidding (or at least exaggerating!)!)

The Shining, by Stephen King - Marc
Weiland, by Charles Brockdem Brown - Brittany sonotspears
Dracula, by Bram Stoker - Nancy W.
The Trial, by Kafka - OrangeGuru
"The Monkey's Paw," by W.W. Jacobs - Em
"Miriam," by Truman Capote - Chuffed
Seven Gothic Tales "...or something like that," by Isak Dinesen - Neil
Poe's short stories (I've chosen four: "The Fall of the House of Usher," "The Pit and the Pendulum," "Murders in the Rue Morgue," and "The Premature Burial" - Mu

So if you haven't guessed already, Papa Schuetter is firmly in the lead with The Exorcist. I'd read it before, so I wasn't expecting to be surprised, much less frightened. Turns out I was both! This is not only an incredible work of horror, but an extremely well-written, well-developed book with believable characters and a story line that takes its time without losing your interest for a second. To say Blatty did his homework is the understatement of the year. The interplay between the demon with Karras - a Jesuit priest and a psychiatrist - is amazing. Sure, we little Catholics are told that demons are liars and are clever, but Blatty SHOWS us this through his demon "Enoonmai" ("I am no one"). My biggest gripe with the writers of horror is that they try to tell the reader how to feel: "She was scared," "He hadn't been that frightened since he was 5 and he had to go into the basement for a jar of peas and..."

Blatty shows the reader, through the characters, the fear, confusion, pain, agony, and, from the demon itself, a hatred so pure that it is all the more terrifying in that there is no organic cause for it, no madness or psychological disturbance in young Regan that can account for everything that occurs.

Though Fr. Damien Karras sure does try to prove otherwise.

Add to that the juxtaposition of Merrin with his simple steadfast faith and Karras with his constant search for an organic cause - not, it turns out, because he needs proof for the Church in order to get permission to perform an exorcism - the Council gives it to him readily.

Karras' search for proof of Regan's posession is carried out to dispel his own painful, crippling lack of faith.

And the demon knows this. And plays upon it. And feeds it.


Next year I'll make it clear in my "rules" that I won't allow for rereads because, even though I still have 11 books/stories left to read, and some of them may be really excellent, I'm pretty sure Papa Schuetter's cinched this contest.

And he's wily. He knows that if he recommends The Exorcist every year, he'll WIN every year. I can't believe how much better it was with the second reading. I'd totally missed the demon's toying with Karras the first time 'round. The movie is excellent, but the book....wow.

I've already got a couple of books lined up for next year so maybe for once I can get a head start! Which is good, because the first one is like 17,000 pages long.

The Talisman, by Stephen King and Peter Straub - The Boss of Me
On the Beach, by Nevil Shute - CNN.com's list of "Scariest Books of All Time." (Yes, I will send CNN a treat if they win.)

A Belated Christmas Gift from Barron Hilton

He's donating 97% of his 2.3 billion dollar fortune to charity.

"Barron Hilton is embarrassed by the behaviour of his socialite granddaughter Paris and believes it has sullied the family name." I'm embarrassed that our culture knows Paris Hilton so, hem, intimately, to the degree not a day goes by when she's not in the news.

Not even a day like today when Benazir Bhutto was tragically assassinated in Rawalpindi, Pakistan.


Processus Contra Templarios - Update!

I have just received word from a loyal reader (of one of my Templar posts), the superhero called TemplarMan, that he has acquired a copy of the Processus Contra Templarios and is offering it at only twice the price of BlueMoonCouture! That's right! If you act now, you can still get me this awesome Christmas gift for only $55,000!

I've raised $18.00 so far! Who's willing to chip in the extra $54,082?

In true superhero style, TemplarMan did not leave any contact information, so one of you superhero buffs gets the extra bonus of cracking his identity!

If you can't find him to acquire this text I so covet, you can just send me to Portugal so I can stay at this hotel and drown my sorrows in Warre's ("warrior's") vintage port.


Define "WICKED COOL!!!!!"

An eagle just flew past my window. It was either a young bald or a mature golden eagle. Whatever it was, it was gorgeous and it was HUGE!!! The extra 45 minutes it took me to get here this morning suddenly seems pretty much worth it!


A Big SHOUT OUT!!! To The Neighbors Upstairs!

99.9% of the time I LOVE our apartment - it's just that 0.1% of the time when I'm reminded of the fact we have neighbors that I wish our apartment was separated from the rest of the building, resting on a foundation of it's own, maybe next to a babbling brook or nestled in the Smokies somewhere faaaaaaaaaaaaaar away from Gatlinburg. This 0.1% of the time occurs between the times of 10:30PM, after we've gone to sleep and the kids upstairs get their new dog COMPLETELY riled up and nuts so he runs up and down the uncarpeted hallway after a toy, then brings it back - a fascinating passtime that repeats ad nauseum (for a 1/2 pound dog, that thing sure does make a helluva lot of noise!), intermittently until about 6:45 AM when I'm getting out of the shower. Seems that EVERYONE upstairs needs to use their bathroom in the 10 minutes I'm in the shower, and the ones who can't fit into the bathroom run downstairs quick as lightning to the basement where they can do a quick load of laundry. I don't know how but they always, ALWAYS turn the washer on just as I've finished lathering my face.


Last night, well, this morning really, they added a middle act of a SCREAMING match which started about 3:10AM and lasted til I was able to fall asleep about an hour later. I was only able to fall asleep at that time not because they'd stopped arguing, but because their voices had been reduced to hoarse whispers. Thankfully no breakables were involved.

This morning I awoke groggy and a bit cranky, but this was tempered by the fact that it's Friday!!! and really, I told myself, the kids really love that dog. They didn't mean any harm in making it nuts, they're just having fun and got carried away. I saw Shannon off and shuffled off to the bathroom to take my shower. As for the argument, I was telling myself as I got the water to THE PERFECT temperature and stepped into the shower, that rarely happens and I was able to use it as an excuse to skip the gym and snooze for an extra hour and a half (BAD Jo! BAD!). I reached for my Origins foaming face wash and squeezed a bit into my left palm while thinking, really, our neighbors are a bit nutty, but aren't everyone's? I mean, it's got to be hard for 4 people to be living in a 2-bedroom, and it's winter after all - where else is that cute puppy of theirs going to run? As I closed my eyes and rubbed the face wash into my face, the toilet upstairs flushed.


I splashed scalding water on my face from as faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar away as I could from the shower stream and got out of that shower as fast as I could.

Then I waited.

And I listened.

I'm embarrassed to say this, but I actually waited until one of them got into the shower this morning....

and I flushed our toilet.


Photographic Evidence My Godbaby Is An Excellent Judge of Character

A study done by Yale University published in the journal Nature offers proof that babies are excellent judges of character.

"Babies are very competent socially," says Kiley Hamlin, lead author of the study. "They can figure this kind of stuff out without people explicitly teaching what's nice and not nice and who's nice and who's not nice."

Babies not only can pick out the good people, but they tend to emulate them, also.

Well, I'll just let the pictures do the talking, shall I?

Every Have One Of Those Days....

when you think everyone's mocking you not so quietly behind your back?

Peanut Butter Temptations A Hit In Two Countries!

OrangeGirl received her THANK YOU!!!! package for the wonderful arm warmers she'd sent me. The parcel contained an orange tote, orange luggage tag, and Shannon's World Famous Peanut Butter Temptations. She's not a fan of chocolate (oops!!), but is thankfully a fan of peanut butter. She loved the Temptations with a cuppa. And I am happy to have introduced her to a new orange food: Reese's Peanut Butter Cups! There's one stuck in the center of each Temptation.

Thank you again, OrangeGirl! I LOVE my arm warmers, and have been wearing them every day this week in my new office.

They couldn't have arrived at a more perfect time! The heat has been turned way down in our new building for the comfort of the workmen installing all of the furniture (I know! How obnoxious, right? What about MY comfort? I require a much warmer temperature to realize my full blogging potential! Grrrrr! (o;). So, anyway, it has been really chilly in here! The picture above was taken on Monday, and since then I assure you I've been wearing long sleeves, buttoned over the arm warmers, which makes me a little sad because now I can't see the signature rust-colored band at top. Today I actually brought an extra wool coat after being so cold yesterday I had to wear my winter coat for half the day. Come to think of it, Shannon would probably LOVE my new office. Not only is it chilly, but I have a beautiful view of the forest preserve and river directly adjacent to the building on Milwaukee Ave.

Thank you, OrangeGirl! I hope you enjoy the goodies and that Jiff and The Mister save you a Temptation for your morning's coffee!

"You Know Who I Love?..."

Thank you goes out to Butternugget who introduced me to this blog.

I had a minor fit of hysterics after reading the "dialogue" between Daniel Day Lewis and Rebecca Miller inspired by this lovely suit. I almost couldn't get past his first line, it made me laugh so hard:

I'll admit, I'd wear the vest and jacket, but probably not together, along with some sleek black pants and shiny rust-colored shoes.

It's ironic to me how big his head looks in this suit. If anyone else were wearing it all you would see is PLAID (in my case, all you would see would be plaid thighs). And check out the set of his jaw. It says "I DEFY you to say a WORD about my choice of ensemble! That's right, you'd BETTER keep quiet! You do NOT want to find out what it is I have in my right pocket! We'll be going along now, but if I hear ONE SNICKER out of ANY of you, so help me I will put on the matching plaid fedora!"


Brief (but seriously inspired by rage) JoRantlett

Bush vetoed expanding the State Children's Health Insurance Care (S-CHIP) program.


Yet he granted has granted $60 million dollars to pro-life-run so-called "crisis pregnancy centers" (CPCs)....

If you're going to call yourself pro-life, Mr. Bush, you should maybe, oh, I don't know start taking care OF THE PEOPLE WHO ARE ALREADY HERE?? So, what? The kid's born - your job is done?? Don't even THINK you're not a HYPOCRITE for thinking that way!!!

Orange Political Musing

ORANGE! tie, ORANGE!-haired wife. That's my man!

I am shaking my head at myself this week with the realization of how deluded I allow myself to become when it comes to politics, and how easily I am swayed by all the *SHINY!!!* marketing (politely referred to as "campaign") money can buy. I have realized more and more clearly that Kucinich is the candidate I'd vote for, the one I most strongly agree with. Even though he's not even one of the three most popular democratic candidates, I'd stand behind him proudly, and I do hope against hope that makes it to the election. What dismays me is the reason I haven't been standing behind him all along. See not too long ago I was pretty sure I was solidly behind Clinton, though I had this nagging feeling that somewhere along the line my reasoning had become fuzzy. The reason I've become more focused in my conviction that I should have that Kucinich bumper sticker eating away at the paint on my bumper and not Hillary's?

I haven't seen much of Bill Clinton these days.

ORANGE!!! tie! He's totally pandering to the Orange crowd.
See how it detracts the eye from Hillary? Nicely done! You devil, you!

I'd really been wavering between Clinton and Kucinich, and the main reason for this is quite obvious to me now. Bill Clinton.

I miss Bubba and I want him back. Now that I haven't heard from him in a while (I've removed myself from the Hillary campaign email list - you can only be asked to donate wads of cash so many times in a day before you get absolutely sick and tired of seeing that massive red "CONTRIBUTE NOW!!!!" button) I'm cooling on Hillary and I'm slowly and painfully accepting the fact that putting her in office doesn't equate putting Bill back in there where he could clean up Bush's mess and get us back in the world's good graces like some kinda superhero. Maybe he could shake hands with and slap Queen Elizabeth II on the shoulder again like he did in 1998 when she met Congress for good measure! Ah, how we laughed about that. A breach of etiquette, to be sure, but not creepy like, oh, say, Bush giving Angela Merkel a shoulder massage.

When I manage to tear my eyes away from Bill and all he represents to me and try to focus on Hillary, I see alot of evasion. She doesn't allow herself to be pinned down. You hear alot of "I'll address that when I'm in office" type comments. No, I really think we should know now, BEFORE you're in office. I don't know how much we agree on, ....though I'd like to think it's alot *Eyes drift back to Bill* *OrangeMoJoJo slaps herself* Shake it off.

To say that I'm tired of evasion after being stuck with the Bush administration for 8 years is a wee bit of an understatement. It's like saying you shouldn't eat mayonnaise-based potato salad after it's been out in the warm sun for 14 days, or that you shouldn't walk blind-folded across Lake Cook Road during rush hour, or that ORANGE!!! is better than pink. It's pretty obvious. Shrubbie T. Shrub "Let me talk to some smart people and get back to you. We've got smart people working on that, and I want to talk to them before giving you an answer,"Bush, and Condolleeza "That's a really good question. I hadn't thought of that. Let me get back to you." Rice. *shudder.*

And I'm not sexist! *SHINY!!!* Celebrity pull works both ways. I mean, look! Oprah's leading Obama in the polls since she took up campaigning with him!

Do you see any orange in this picture?
That, my friends, is why Obama isn't even in the OrangeMoJoJo top 2 (he's tied for 3rd with Edwards).

You can run (with Obama) Oprah, but you can't hide - hide the fact that Bill Clinton is still ahead of you in the polls. Hey! At least it's not just me!

Clever AND A Sense of Humor

Mike Huckabee is turning out to be quite the force to be reckoned with. He could teach Mike Gravel a thing or two about putting together a campaign video that will shoot you straight up to the top of the popularity charts in under two minutes:



We bought our tree on Friday and were surprised to find when we got it home that it wasn't a 6-footer like we'd expected. When all was said and done it was closer to 8 & 1/2 feet.

Yes, that is the Templar shield from my Templar action figure.
Don't ever call it a "doll."

Boudicca and Umberto didn't really care about the tree - they just thought we'd bought them a really cool, pine-scenty water dish.

Bou using her new "water dish"

Umberto using his new "water dish"

A Christmas miracle! We can now fully trust Aethelred with Umberto.

'red still would really like to play, but he loveslovesLOVES!!! the ferret and is content to just watch him and chase him, knowing that if he gets too rough we'll have to separate them. Umberto is better than any toy we have ever bought for Aethelred. We just have to open a cage door and Aethelred is RIGHT THERE waiting to play.

We moved the ferret cage into the front room on Thanksgiving to minimize the "gross!!!" factor of having a ginormous ferret cage next to the cranberry sauce, and I made a comment about how nice it was to have the ferret up front where we all (cats and bipeds) tended to hang out. Since losing Donnatella and Max last year, Umberto's been all alone in that cage and I hated to think of him lonely - ferrets are such social animals. As a Thanksgiving gift to me, Shannon moved a bookcase out of the front room to make room for the ferret cage. Now 'berto can look around and see us,

and whenever he wakes up we try to let him out to stretch his furry legs.

Umberto has a thing for electronics. Here he's trying to steal Shannon's Nano. Luckily the earbuds didn't fit.

Umberto after a disagreement between us where he believed he should be given my orange sweater as a ferret bed and I, well, didn't.

We put a folded blanket on top of the ferret cage and this is where Aethelred spends the majority of his snooze time. Whenever he wakes up he pulls himself to the edge of the cage and peers in upside down to see if there's anything going on in the ferret household. If not, he goes back to sleep, usually with his paws and chin hanging over the edge.


Thanks to Butternugget for this helpful flowchart of medieval sexuality. When in doubt, you can tell at a glance whether or not that position (no pun intended!) you find yourself in will compromise your soul!

(courtesy of BoingBoing - A Directory of Wonderful Things)


Catholic Coloring Book Warns Against Pedophile Priests

I was always jealous of the altar boys at my church growing up, but I'm not sure why - their robes weren't even orange! But seeing this picture below, I'm really pretty glad I didn't have to work the altar scene with a priest that looked like that. Is he a priest or Presto! The Evil Magician!? My grandma could tell you at a glance that he's evil - the mustache is a dead giveaway. "Never trust a man with a mustache, babuska - they're sneaky." Come to think of it, my grandma thought alot of things were sneaky.

And what's with the 70s starlet angels? Is that kid smiling at the kind advice, or because God just granted him his prayer to have Loni Anderson fall madly in love with him? Maybe God misheard "fall" and heard "fly" instead, but nevermind! She's here now!

"Blast! will no one rid me of this meddlesome priest?!?"

I know my parents and grandparents (at least the men!) often speak fondly of how simple things were way back when they were growing up, but I never would have imagined a Catholic coloring book warning kids about pedophile priests. I'm not trying to be naive, but a priest walks a Catholic through life - from baptism to confirmation to marriage to death. He hears confessions in order to keep your soul free of sin so you can be absolved and go to heaven. If you can't trust your priest, who can you trust?? I realize the Catholic church is trying to be proactive here with these comic books, but they'd be more proactive if they did a better job of screening and GETTING RID OF THE PEDOPHILES BEFORE THEY ARE ORDAINED, not shipping them off to another parish and trying to cover things up!

Coolest Shoes of the Season

Seriously - these are just awesome. I'd of course need two pair - one in black and one in ORANGE!!!. I could mix-n-match for Halloween! Bonus! Two holidays covered.

Check out her stride! It tells the world at least three things off the top of my head: 1) "I can totally MOVE in these puppies despite the fact they're 7 inches tall! I feel INVINCIBLE!" 2) "No WAY are you getting my shoes! I'm so outta here. In the words of Nigel Tufnel 'you've seen enough of these.' Seriously! Find your own!" or, if you're at the Kit Kat Club or The Baton 3) "No, I did not steal these from Mimi's dressing room while she was out here singing! If you don't stop trying to pry them from my feet, little girl, you're SO not getting a tip."

I've seen her three times now, and still can't believe Mimi's a man. I was talking to her at the bar after the show and her voice - it's quite low and very masculine. It really threw me. I've usually got a pretty good poker face (ask Shannon about Khet), but Mimi caught me with a look on my face of "...Whoa. This is a guy. How? How can this be a guy?!?" and let out this very seductive girlish giggle. She bought me a drink - I think to keep me from killing myself after the realization that I'll never. EVER. be as hot as her.

It'll really mess you up.

I have a feeling Mimi has bought a lot of girls drinks after feeling ever-so-slightly guilty for making them feel suicidal.

WOW! You Mean I Can Pay Home Depot To Provide Them With Free Marketing!??!?

Does it get more awesome than this?? For only $74.99 I can combine two of my favorite things. No, not brown paper packages wrapped up with strings and warm mittens, I'm talking about marketing and inflatable holiday decorations!

Oh, Bummer! They're out of stock! The last one must have been bought by this guy:

These two would have a field day in that yard:



If the Board ever decides to hold their exams in Tokyo, I know the first place I'm going.

Seeing as it's the American Board, it is highly unlikely I'll ever get to Tokyo, though!


OrangeMoJoJo's Christmas List!

All I want for Christmas is a copy of the Processus contra Templarios - and you're in luck! There's a copy available on EBay!

Only 800 copies of this document, essentially the minutes taken at the trials the Inquisition held against the Templars,were produced. The first copy was presented to the Pope, so that leaves....um...799. And each of those sold like THAT *snaps fingers* to libraries and learning institutions around the world, but somehow, SOMEHOW 'bluemooncouture' got a hold of a copy and is selling it along with her $3500-$4000 paper dresses.

Paper dresses! HA! What a stupid idea! I mean, what if it rains?

...okay I'll admit I'd buy a paper dress if it was made from a copy of the Processus contra Templarios, but that's only because old Latin script is so in right now.

Processus contra Templarios

Seriously, how the hell can someone who calls him/herself 'bluemooncouture' get a copy of the Processus Contra Templarios when Malcolm Barber can only see one at the Bodleian? When even the Order itself can't get a hold of one? When Stephen Dafoe has to speculate about how to go about getting one on a thread on his Website? It's obscene. Well, I guess if I'd managed to get my hands on a copy people would be asking the same of me "....OrangeMoJoJo...???!!?"

I do feel really REALLY badly for whoever had to take minutes at those trials. MAN! I can't imagine. I have had to take minutes at meetings that last only a few hours and I find it the most tedious, mind-numbing, painful experience a body could be put through, and I can ERASE! I have a digital recorder! I write in ENGLISH (um, sort of)

...Heeeeyyyy.... I wonder if the trials weren't about the Templars at all!!? Maybe it was the minute-taker who was being punished for his sins! Oh, my Lord! Can you imagine??? Minute taking over several days, even weeks?? That's, it's inhuman!! It's despicable! The pain! The agony! What the Inquisition wouldn't do in the name of "God!"

Seriously, I don't really need anything this year, so you can all just chip in and get me this document, that would be great.

Okay, okay, I do realize that $40,000 is a steep pricetag to split among my 5 readers, even for me, so instead you can just send me to Zandvoort in the Netherlands so I can have Zanto ink me with this 'ttoo:

You can read more about the Processus contra Templarios HERE.