26.1.07

I think it's time for some CHOW™

Welp, it's been over a year and I haven't lost any of the poundage I wanted to have lost by now so I could wear that Animala suit 'round the apartment. It doesn't seem possible now, but before I know it it'll be just too darned hot to wear stretch velvet.


I think it's time for me to ask my favorite Horseman of the Apocolypse, Famine, AKA Raven Sable, for some diet tips.

For a little fun on this dreary cold Monday, here's an excert from Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett's book, Good Omens - a fun little story about the Apocalypse.

FRIDAY.

Raven Sable, slim and bearded and dressed all in black, sat in the back of his slimline black limousine, talking on his slimline black telephone to his West Coast base.

"How's it going?" he asked.

"Looking good, chief," said his marketing head. "I'm doing breakfast with the buyers from all the leading supermarket chains tomorrow. No problem. We'll have MEALS™ in all the stores this time next month."

"Good work, Nick."

"No problem. No problem. It's knowing you're behind us, Rave. You give great leadership, guy. Works for me every time."

Thank you," said Sable, and he broke the connection.

He was particularly proud of MEALS™.

The Newtrition corporation had started small, eleven years ago. a small team of food scientists, a huge team of marketing and public relations personnel, and a neat logo.

Two years of Newtrition investment and research had produced CHOW™. CHOW™ contained spun, plaited, and woven protein molecules, capped and coded, carefully designed to be ignored by even the most ravenous digestive tract enzymes; no-cal sweeteners; mineral oils replacing vegetable oils; fibrous materials, colorings, and flavorings. The end result was a foodstuff almost indistinguishable from any other except for two things. Firstly, the price, which was slightly higher, and secondly, the nutritional content, which was roughly equivalent to that of a Sony Walkman. It didn't matter how much you ate, you lost weight.*

Fat people had bought it. Thin people who didn't want to get fat had bought it. CHOW™ was the ultimate diet food - carefully spun, woven, textured, and pounded to imitate anything, from potatoes to venison, although the chicken sold best.

Sable sat back and watched the money roll in. He watched CHOW™ gradually fill the ecological niche that used to be filled by the old, untrademarked food.

He followed CHOW™ with SNACKS™ - junk food made from real junk.

MEALS™ was Sable's latest brainwave.

MEALS™ was CHOW™ with added sugar and fat. The theory was that if you ate enough MEALS™ you would a) get very fat, and b) die of malnutrition.

The paradox delighted Sable.


*And hair. And skin tone. And, if you ate enough of it long enough, vital signs.

Shannon bought me a copy of this book when we were dating after he'd already won me over by being a total hottie with a wicked sense of humor, and it was hilarious. I'm recommending you pick up a copy now and read it if you're suffering from any form whatsoever of SADD. I did a store search and every Borders in Chicagoland has a copy, so there's just no excuse for you not to own it. While you're there, pick up a copy of Three Men in a Boat, which I'm of the mind should be taught in all high-school English courses to prove that classic literature can be downright funny. I promise to get you an excerpt of that one, too, before next Monday if Gaiman doesn't sue me for this one. You can read the whole of it here if you just can't get to Borders and can't wait 'til next Monday.

There was talk some time back of Good Omens being made into a movie to be directed by Terry Gilliam and starring Johnny Depp as the demon Crowley and Robin Williams as the angel Aziraphale; but that seems to have gone up in smoke. I would love to know who play the four Apocalyptic Horsepersons: War, Pollution, Famine and Death.

Until CHOW really is produced, I'll have to go about losing weight and getting fit the old fashioned way. I did find a helpful Website of 50 weight loss tips. Many of the tips are common sense, but I find it useful to remind myself of them once in a while. For example, don't compare yourself to others, don't deny yourself your cravings, don't eat until you're full, weight loss is most successful when you eat better AND exercise, and, the one I have to keep foremost in my brain, #29: Maintain your priorities. "Sure, your sandwich would taste amazing with an extra tablespoon of mayonnaise… but do you really need it? Rather, is it more important for you to reach your weight loss goal quicker - or have this sandwich taste marginally better? What’ll happen the next time you’re faced with this decision - will you cave again? It’s a slippery slope; don’t lose sight of what’s most important to you."

Ciao!

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