Confidential to my Hair
Seriously, what's up with you lately? I can't get you to do anything remotely resembling what we had going the last time we left the salon. Like a car with an ominous-sounding noise, you are fabulous when I take you to the shop and then you go haywire as soon as I get you home. You flop limply, hang in my face, flip out to one side, or stick up like I'm walking around with my finger in a socket. No matter what I try, or how I think I've tamed you on walking out the door, the next time I catch a reflection of myself in a window or bathroom mirror at work I'm horrified to find you've pulled an Einstein-Trump-Jessie-from-MTV on my ass.
Come on! Cut me a break! I know you're still upset that Suave discontinued their moisturizing shampoo - I still cry myself to sleep over that myself sometimes - but you, we, have to let it go. I mean, I've I only use that awesome-smelling smoothing shampoo that is perfectly suited to your straight-textured self, I color you to give you some texture, I condition you but gently so you don't feel weighed down, I rarely ever blow-dry you because you complain it makes you too dry (and you and I both hate the noise of the dryer in the morning), I use very little product unless I absolutely have to because I hate the word "product," - heck, I even take you to that cool retro salon in the Square where you're trimmed and fussed over by that woman with more ink than a Proust collection, yet you're still treating me like you hate me.
Was it the bangs? I'm sorry. I am trying to grow them out. Again. Truly I am. I know I have a problem It's just that every time you get long enough to put into a ponytail, I see a picture of Louise Brooks and think how cute I'd look - how cute we'd look - with a bob.
(...I wish I hadn't downloaded that picture - now I know I'll be asking Lisa for the Louise Brooks next month. Dang!)
Maybe you're still paying me back for the 80s. I was young! Forgive me! I never should have subjected you to those rotten-egg-smelling perms and straight up bangs!
Please let me know what to do to. Is there a perfect length or style you prefer? Do you NOT like the smoothing shampoo - maybe you'd prefer pumice? Do you, *gulp* do you want the bangs? Should I get out the lavender Aqua Net? Should we move to a climate more suited to you, say, Maine or the UK? Shannon will understand if we have to move for your sake. I know you were happiest after that 3-hour cut-n-color at that place in the St. Germain des Pres district in Paris, but there has to be another way short of flying into Heathrow and hopping the Eurostar to Gare du Nord every other month....
Though that wouldn't suck...
Please let me know what I can do to make you stop punishing me.