Oh Yes You WILL Share The Road!

KUDOS!!!! To Southampton Crown Court for sending the message (pun intended) that drivers using their cell phones WILL be held responsible for recklessly if they cause an accident while driving under the influence of her cell phone's "texting" feature. Keira Coultas hit Jordan Wickington when he ran a red light on his cycle (BAD!!!!! BAD CYCLIST!!!!) and she was too distracted by texting her estranged husband to notice. He died of his injuries. She was sentenced to four years in prison for causing Wickington's death through her dangerous driving. Again, Wilkington should NOT have "jumped the red light," but Coultas should have been PRESENT WHILE DRIVING and should not have been texting ANYONE while her car was in motion - much less her estranged husband - someone who probably seriously pisses her off more than anyone in the world. The worst Wilkington deserved was a blast of the horn.

As biking season approaches, I really do hope Daley starts to actually enforces his ban on drivers using their cell phones in Chicago.

Now, I Realize I'm Not A Guy

'specially this time of month (CHIPS!!! I WANT CHIPS!!!! OooOOOOoooo! French toast sounds good, too!), but this picture....

it's a bit overkill, isn't it?

I know that I should be offended, but really, I just find those two chicks are just in the way of THOSE GORGEOUS CARS!! LEMME SEE THE CARS!!! ESPECIALLY the Lamborghini on the left.

Seriously, aren't the cars WAY sexier than the ridiculously posed, um, "models?"



I got a "shout out" on Chicago Improv Associates "Zenprov" podcast #17 after I'd emailed them to thank them for helping me through my commute this winter. YAY!! Mind you, I don't mind snow, I quite like it. I don't even mind driving in it because I just accept the fact that it's going to take me longer. More time to listen to podcasts! And drink coffee! (I directly pass 5 Starbucks branches each way!) Listening to Zenprov kept me from getting too irritated in traffic, no matter what a crawl it came to. I wrote to ask them about a book they'd recommended (a book, you say?? Shocking I'd be interested in THAT!). I also thanked them for their podcasts. When an SUV cut me off, I wrote, I'd calmly pause the podcast, flip off the driver with only one expletive instead of my usual foul stream of filth, then I'd calmly resume the podcast rather than try to run down the driver and cut him/her off and drive at half-speed, as was my usual M.O.

Because I'm childish.

Thank you, Marshall Stern and Nancy Howland Walker for saving my sanity (and the lives of many SUV drivers) during this long, particularly rough Chicago winter! I really do hope you get that SC job on the cruise line so you can avoid winters like this one in the future.

I do recommend Zenprov to all improvisors of all levels. Between the Zenprov podcasts and our experience with 500 Clown Levels I and II, I've come up with an understanding and appreciation for improv far above and beyond anything I'd come close to before. It's like, after 15 years (!!!!) I FINALLY "get it." I've even come up with several exercises of my own that I can't WAIT to unleash on the Buttresses, or at the next ImprovapalooOOOOOoooozah!

More Things That Rhyme With ORANGE!!!

Turns out Orange Girls love more than just orange, we love cats, books, warm woollens in winter, and superawesome cars! I just read your post about the sweet Audi moment, and was reminded of when Shannon and I first started dating. Several times on my way home I encountered a Lamborghini similar to this one, right down to the color:

We were stopped side by side at a light in Sauganash at about 11PM one night. I started revving HedgeWitch's decidedly-not-V8-engine (do they make a V2...?), put on my shiny orange sunglasses, and stared the driver down.

He sighed, closed his eyes, looked over at me, and suddenly looked very weary. The light changed and I looked over at him with a grin of impending victory as I let up on the brake to hit the gas,

...and he was gone. Just a puff of exhaust. He was probably in Madison, WI by the time my grin faded, and halfway through Canada by the time I got through the intersection.

More orange updates: I was wearing my armwarmers at work where many a coworker spotted them and complimented me on my super-coolness. I couldn't argue. When asked me where I'd bought them, I told her they were knitted for me by a kindred spirit. Yesterday I wandered into the lunch room for my tasty afternoon snack of baby carrots and light ranch dressing (YUM! I keep telling myself! SO GOOD! SO MUCH BETTER THAN CHIPS!....*whimper!*) and one of my coworkers was sipping a tea and knitting while on her break. "Whatcha knitting?" I asked to cover the sob that was about to escape as I crunched a carrot.

"Arm warmers! I liked yours so much, I decided to try to duplicate them."


Turns out she's A) making purple ones, not orange, and B) is making them as a gift for a lovely 80-year-old neighbor of hers as a "thank you!" for giving her homemade jam every few months, so I decided not to warn her of patent infringement.


Just To Nip This In The Bud:

Here are a number of orange cars you WON't see me driving:

The Hummer:

Hummer's silent but LOUD response to Al Gore

The Chevy Aveo

After two deathtrap Chevies in the family - both bought new - I'll never buy one, no matter HOW cute they look.
Ford is slowly regaining my trust, though! Keep looking, Sweetie!

The Honda Fit:

The color in the pic just doesn't convey how "off" it looks in real life.
If it looked like this, I could EASILY convince myself that 80,000 miles makes Hedgewitch FAR too old to safely drive

This Prius is pretty snazzy, but I would go mad with people slowing down ahead of me at a glance at those lights up top:


(too bad Scion didn't make their Fuse in ORANGE!!! though! SWEET!):

I Could Always Get This ORANGE!!! Car


This Porshe GT3 would be MUCH easier to find in the States than the TVR in my last post!

Thanks, Orange Girl!


Sooo.....Green It Is, Then!

I had the most wonderful idea a few weeks ago that when my car reached her 100,000 mile, um, mile-rotation day? I would have her repainted ORANGE!!! She has a tan interior, so I wouldn't have to have the interiour done, just the outside. I guess I figured maybe prices would have risen since the days of Earl Sheib's slurred "Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight! I can paint ANY car for on'y Niney-nine, niney-fie!" commercials,

but I didn't expect that price to have risen into the THOUSANDS.

I just called the guys at Tom and Jerry's in Edison Park who did an awesome job repainting my mom's hood and bumper, and they said they don't even do full paint jobs any more, they're so expensive - that I'd be looking at numbers in the thousands. If I'm looking at numbers in the thousands, I'd probably just buy a car that had already been painted orange before I purchased it.

For a few tens of thousands more:

For a coupla hundred thousand more:

Check out the interior on this one!!


Jack Osbourne....Jack Osbourne.....Hmmmmmm

Jack Osbourne....

He looks so familiar.....

Dang it, who does he remind me of???

I wish I could place it....

AHA! Got it!


A Note To Students Who Go Out And Purchase Guns With Which To Kill Their Classmates

Try them out on yourself FIRST!!!!

If you don't like this advice:

1) don't buy the gun(s).
2) talk to someone.


Happy Valentine's Day!

To Shannon, the only man who really understands me!

....Okay, maybe it's not so much that you really understand me so much as you know what a freak I am, and you still love me anyway.

Happy Valentine's Day, Sweetie


Have You Seen This Man?

(From Reuters): "The thief, who also left a lit blow torch at the scene, is expected to be badly charred, spiky haired and not exactly the brightest bulb in the socket."

Reuters was none too sympathetic with a would-be copper power cable thief who tried to steal a cable that was live with 11,000 volts running through it. The would-be-thief took off after trying to cut through the cable with a hacksaw. The hacksaw was left but the thief somehow managed to get away. Though he's expected to be badly injured, he hasn't turned up at any area hospitals.

I just love that the quote at top came directly from Reuters. In the US we focus on SENSATIONALISM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I mean, have you seen CNN lately?? It's insane! You can't tell it from FOX or even MTV "News" anymore! It's embarrassing!) The British are still so quietly, beautifully, wonderfully, tongue-in-cheek-wittily, well, British!


Oh, Jesus, Madge!

"The singer, who is not Jewish...."

Gee, ya think?

Closely following my contempt for Scientology is my contempt for non-Jewish celebrities studying Kabbalah. I find it utterly disrespectful.

Oh, Jesus Maude!

I have no idea what that means, but my friend Beck's exclamation really does seem to fit the...THING Cher wore to the Grammy's:

Crazy thing is, though - I sorta like it! Only Cher could pull off a Hefty bag skirt paired with the shredded chain mail leftover at the end of a particularly wild Ren Faire.



Come out to playyeeyay!!"

I just bumped The Warriors up in our Netflix queue. I can't believe Shannon hasn't seen this movie! With it's bright, witty dialogue ("Warriors? You guys are the big dudes, huh?"), stunning costumes (wife-beater tanks were apparently on sale at K-Mart for 10 cents a pack in a wide array of colors), and creative gang names (The Punks; The Rogues; The Rogue Punks) and if you need more than that: a gang of mimes called the High Hats, I can think of no more delightful way to make Lent seem 40 days longer for Shannon.






There's also a gang called The Saracens, so it's historically poignant as well! Oh, and Ajax (James Remar) went on to act in Galactica, season 2.0 as Meier, so I'm sure you'll want to see where he started out.

Okay, seriously, I think I've gotten The Warriors thing out of my system by finding that clip at top (I can't count how many times I've quoted that....for no apparent reason, really...) as well as tracking one down of my favorite gang, The Baseball Furies (below.)

When Food Advertisements Go Bad

The new beef ads are certainly ... eye catching. I saw the one below in Real Simple magazine and caught myself thinking, "Gee, that island off the coast there looks....tasty??"

I guess the one thing you'd bring to this island would be A-1 sauce.

Then I saw that the island was made of meat outcroppings and my stomach turned. Now, I haven't had beef or pork or lamb for almost 3 years, but that doesn't mean I don't appreciate the look and smell of the steak one of my committee members ordered for dinner at Stoney River; or *droooooooolllll* the smell of a BBQ. Chicken just doesn't smell as good as beef on a grill; and I still drool when I see someone cutting into a thick, juicy steak that's been cooked a perfect medium-rare.

Medium-rare cliffs however - not so tempting.

Is that a muddy river made of gravy?!?!? Oh, YUM!

And a mountain range of beefy peaks makes me think they've perfected cloning meat without the animals, and are just going NUTS by producing enough to make landscapes of massive proportions - which is just wasteful and gross on a whole 'nother level.

What, exactly, is on that "beef mountain?"
No, wait. Don't tell me.

The marketers of What's for Dinner aren't the only ones guilty of creating disturbing ads. The kid below doesn't look so much "Easter-y cute!" as "jonesing for her next hit of PIG!!! GIVE ME PIG!!! *twitch!!!* *twitch!!!*"

Though this vintage French ad for pork sausage takes the GROSSSSSS!!!!!!!! prize hooves down:

Only the lamb industry has gotten it right. The MLA has been using Sam Kekovich since 2005 to promote the Australianness of eating lamb.

Here's their 2005 ad. Enjoy!