Some Women Want Kids,

I want another stinky weasel!

I've been trolling the shelter and breeder sites on and off for weeks. I can't believe how excited I get when I think of getting another ferret or two. AH! A baby kit of my own to raise to and train to torment Shannon by hiding his heart rate monitor and stealing all the chocolate and BBQ chips in the house... *heart swells*

There are several ferret breeders in Ohio, and we're going to be within 100 miles of at least 3 them on my birthday when we go to visit Mu and Mere.... I may have to make a quick detour on the way when Shannon's not looking....

I realize ferretses are not everyone's cup or tea, or, rather, mason jar lid of water.

Indeed, I have only met a handful of people who share my total adoration of these sneaky, stinky, mischievous little creatures, but, man, I do love 'em!

And as long as we live next door to The Screaming Banshee, aka, BC (Birth Control,) there's no chance of us having kids, so quiet pets it is. Holy God, for something so tiny and cute, that kid has the LOUDEST, most developed sustainable shriek I've ever heard. You'd think she was being flayed alive for hours every. Single. Day. Jamie Lee Curtis hears her and goes, "....Damn! I'm glad I wasn't up against you for the role of Laurie in Halloween - I'd have never been discovered!"

For serious.

Credit Tacky Raccoons for that last pic!

Kevin - Such a Fabulous Name!

My favorite clown:

Kevin is the one with the purple hair and red ears.

And my favorite hair product:

Kevin is the brand that you put on your head to make your hair stay purple. Or you can put it on your head to make your hair

long, straight, curly, fuzzy
Snaggy, shaggy, ratty, matty
Oily, greasy, fleecy
Shining, gleaming, streaming
Flaxen, waxen
Knotted, polka-dotted
Twisted, beaded, braided
Powdered, flowered, and confettied
Bangled, tangled, spangled, or spaghettied!

Maggie at Lather (the one on Damen) used this Kevin Murphy Body Guard Hydrating .... something something in my hair on Friday. I have no idea what it does... or if it actually does anything, but it's organic and all natural and, oh whatever - it smells like God. For serious. If you met God, s/he'd smell like this.

Princess OrangeMoJoJo

I know the Fug Girls hated this, but OMG, I would totally wear this corset everywhere. Though I'd add a few more chunky ORANGE!!! shiny bits to it first.

And unlike the chick wearing it, I could actually hold it up without having to enlist the help of my hipbones. Oh, SNAP!

OrangeMoJoJo Will Surely Take the Mind/Where Minds Don't Usually Go...

....because there are far more important things for your minds to consider.

Okay, so it's not really an "Amazing Journey," really more of just a Wednesday morning, bored-at-work observation, but!

Without further ado!



The Fourth Doctor



*insert oohs and aahs of astonishment here!*

The similarity is striking, no? Coincidence???!!!?

It wouldn't really be very surprising to me that my favorite Doctor would inspire the image of my favorite cult leader/quasi-messiah.

Anyhoo, I must return to my bag-o-muffins for more brain power. I'm nearly certain that the blueberries are providing me with these amazing, earthshattering post(al) ideas!


When did Matthew Broderick become the next in line for the English throne?


Seriously, How Can I NOT Vote For Obama?

His wife looks FABULOUS in ORANGE!!! - even when she's sticking her tongue out at him.

It's Time For Us To Follow China's Lead!

Yeah, you heard me. China. China is doing something that we should have done years ago:

They're banning the plastic bag.

A few months ago, I was listening to the radio (NPR) and the topic of banning plastic bags came up. The town of Fairfax (CA?) wanted to ban the bags, but the plastic bag industry immediately threatened to sue, on - are you sitting down?

On environmental grounds.

"The plastics industry said it would sue on environmental grounds. Sharon Kneiss of the American Chemistry Council says that, by banning plastic, Fairfax was giving a tacit endorsement to use paper bags, which could hurt the environment.

"Bans on plastic bags are not a good environmental choice," she says. "Bans aren't the answer, recycling is the answer.""

I was listening to this as I was stuck in traffic on Milwaukee Avenue, just north of where it merges with River Road. It was March, and there were no leaves to hide the hundreds of plastic bags stuck in the branches of the trees along the Des Plaines River. HUNDREDS of them. It was disgusting. As I looked at the winter-dead trees sporting the bags they'd managed to catch in their branches, listening to the claim that banning plastic bags was "not a good environmental choice" was tantamount to being told that plutonium-laced lead is a healthy dietary supplement and should be ingested regularly for maximum benefit. Sharon Kneiss should have considered taking Tony Snow's job as White House Press Secretary back when he resigned.

Shops in Ireland actually charged us 15p/bag, so we learned very quickly to hang on to any bags we had and to bring them with us when we went shopping on the Emerald Isle. We do reuse our bags at home as garbage liners, but we're trying to get in the habit of remembering to bring our own cloth bags with us when we go grocery shopping.

I am thrilled that one of the superpowers has made this huge, necessary step in cleaning up the environment, and I'm even more thrilled that it's China. The US is always so quick to positively compare itself to China - our levels of pollution are lower, our working conditions are far better, our civil liberties more expansive, our demand for basic human rights greater. For China to surge ahead on the environmental front will force us stand up and take notice.

And to do the same.

Only faster!


$4.00+/Gallon? Why Yes, It COULD Be Worse

Flashback! 1973:

OrangeGirls for Obama!

Now, I can't say I've been sympathizing too much with Clinton the past few months. With her negative campaign ads, her refusal to disclose anything about herself but the fact that she has "more experience;" not to mention (again) her outright lies (Note to self: remember who was in the plane with you when you claim you arrived at the party under "sniper fire"), I just want her to either A) start supporting Obama and help him by turning her focus FROM ATTACKING HER OWN PARTY MEMBER to attacking McCain or B) Go. Away. I don't know, maybe she's waiting for her own approval rating to fall below Bush's or something.

Anyhoositz, here's this latest:

"My husband (Bill Clinton) did not wrap up the nomination in 1992 until he won the California primary somewhere in the middle of June, right? We all remember Bobby Kennedy was assassinated in June in California," she told a South Dakota newspaper's editorial board.


Did she really. Just mention. The Bobby Kennedy assassination???

I have decidedly stepped from "slightly annoyed" at Hillary to "thoroughly disgusted." I do realize that you can say some pretty ignorant things when you're stressed, but this takes the cake.

On the subject of character, even more telling was Obama's response:

"I have learned that when you are campaigning for as many months as Sen. Clinton and I have been campaigning," he told the Puerto Rico radio station Isla, "sometimes you get careless in terms of the statements that you make. And I think that is what happened here."

That's the kinda level-headed grace I want in a president. Though my Kucinich bumper sticker will stay on my Honda until I either get a new car (the Yaris is totally calling my name!) or repaint HedgeWitch ORANGE!!!, I'd be lying if I said I thought of Obama as any sort of second. I just want to write this out loud, because until recently I would have been quite satisfied with either Obama or Clinton:

I'd proud and honored to have Obama represent me as President of the US.

And so would OrangeGirl. If she lived in the US.



Among one of the many disturbing trends I'm noticing lately, which include the fact that everyone seems to know who Paris Hilton, Hannah Montana, Denise Richardson, and Li(ndsay) Lo(han) are (if you don't, consider yourself blessed, and please resist the urge to look them up unless it's on Go Fug Yourself); another disturbing (to me) trend is that business owners are naming their establishments with one-word, 1-3-syllable, supershort names (Lush, Tank, Salt, Sepia, Lather, Presence, Hazel, Tru), as though that one word could capture the essence of what that establishment was all about....

What was I going to talk about? My head's all fulla Denise Richards whining about being misunderstood while ordering a dish at Sepia that's priced $15 more than it should be simply because the name of the establishment is trendy....OH!


A big part of my job is taking committees to dinners. Very nice dinners. The purpose of the dinners is twofold: 1) Thank the committee members for their time and dedication to the committee; 2) allow the committee members to catch up the night before the meeting. This is one of the few times per year they get to see each other, and many of them have travelled in the same circles for years, so they enjoy the chance to catch up. My problem is that, while I didn't lament the closing of Le Francais, I DO regret that, while there are a dozen really good restaurants in the Wheeling/Deerfield area, now that Le Francais is closed there is no place within 12 miles that serves a wonderful, 4-star meal in an atmosphere where you can hear your neighbor without raising your voice. If you want to address someone across the table, you literally have to yell to be heard. Some of my quieter committee members, understandably, find this uncomfortable. Osteria del Tramonto's, Prairie Grass, Stony River, Pete Millers, Tramonto's Steak and Seafood - all are guilty. All of them are freaking LOUD. On a lower scale, Claimjumpers and J Alexanders are so loud I've actually had to get up and walk around the table to hear what someone has to say. My hearing is pretty good, but like most people, I don't do well with a ton of backround noise unless I've got a glass of wine in my system - which may be the scam: getting us to drink more. With a half-glass of Cab in my system I don't care so much that I'm pretty much screaming like I'm at an Oingo Boingo concert, circa 1989; but most of my committee members are startled and shocked when I start requesting "Nasty Habits." They would NEVER tell me what their nasty habits were! Well, unless they had a glass of wine in their systems, too. That's when things get interesting for the wait staff. Hey! Maybe THAT's the scam....

Whatever the scam is: PLEASE find a way to buffer the noise in your restaurants. Though you are all obviously doing well, and your food is wonderful, you are losing our business. If our offices were located downtown we wouldn't have this problem. I just don't know why ALL of you seem to believe you have to create as noisy an atmosphere as possible (especially the steak houses and Osteria del Tramonto's - which is a shame because given the choice I'd bring all of my committees to Osteria del Tramonto's! YUM!!!!). It's not the music, it's the interior design. Tables are seated too closely together, there are too many of them, and there are no sound absorbers, no carpets or curtains or wall hangings - just exposed brick walls and high ceilings and hard floors. The conversations at each table are somehow melded and amplified, churned into an unavoidable constababble. For the price you're asking for your meals, a little distance from our neighbors' conversations should be included, along with the tip for our large parties, though again, as soon as we find excellent fare in a quieter atmosphere, you probably won't be seeing us again.

And we are actively looking.

Don't Mess With the Unicorns!

I read this headline and my brain substituted "Unicorns" for "Unions."

My thought process then proceeded along this little path 1) "there really are unicorns??" 2) "the unicorns chosen to come forth and speak NOW to warn us about the new London transport chief??" 3) "....waaaaaaaaaaaaait a minute! That reads UNIONS!" 4) "I wonder if there's still some coffee left..." 5) Dang! Where did I put my badge?" 6) "That badger pun on Saturday really was pretty stupid...I wonder if Eddie said it solely as a vehicle to flick us all off?" 6) "You know, I've never actually seen a badger. Do they exist? I mean, if the unicorns chose to speak out against the new London transport chief, would the badgers speak for him?" 7) "I love orange."


Hey! Ketchup!

I've been told by 2 of my 3 readers that I haven't posted in over 2 weeks, which comes as a surprise to me! In my defense, I've actually been pretty busy, and when I have had time to blog I've had petty, angry, snarky ideas that I didn't want to bore you with.

Now it's the Friday before a long weekend (thank you, veterans! I DO appreciate all you've done for our country! Now those of you fighting in Iraq please come home safely ASAP!), I am only working a half day today, I have nary a committee in sight until the end of June (and that is one of my favorites!), we have season 3 of Battlestar Galactica and a couple of old classics (Dead Ringers and Unfaithfully Yours) waiting for us at home from Netflix, I got a surprise raise for no apparent reason, and though my hip still hurts, at least I know it's not seriously injured. Also, in a few hours I will no longer resemble Katie Holmes. I will also have a new hairdresser who actually listens to me when I say "PLEASE don't touch the back! I'm trying to grow it...Oh. Um,...well never mind then."

Last week was just nuts. It started on the 8th when I had to report downtown for our oral exams. I was facilitating at the VA in Maywood. Shannon met me after work and we headed down to the James Hotel's Asha Spa where I had him booked for his first massage EVER. The fact that he'd never had a massage didn't really shock me, the fact that I hadn't booked him for one before now - active as he is with his gym-going and biking and seagull slaughtering - did. We were a bit early so on the way there we popped in to the Peninsula Hotel to check out their legendary chocolate buffet. Turns out the buffet is only offered at the weekend, so we turned to leave. As we walked back to the elevators we passed 6 suits and a guy dressed in red short-shorts and a red hoodie. Richard Simmons! Shannon was talking to me as we passed, and RS and I exchanged a smile and a nod. I kept face forward and interrupted Shannon a, "you do realize we just passed Richard Simmons, don't you?" He turned around in plenty of time to see him. I so rarely get to report a celebrity sighting!

We got to the Asha and I waited for Shannon in the very soothing waiting room. The receptionist checked on me every 20 minutes or so and kept my water refilled while I read The Stranger (we'd seen The Strangerer the week before and it had been years since I'd read The Stranger so I wanted to refresh my memory - turns out I hadn't forgotten much!). By the time Shannon emerged it was difficult to determine which of us had gotten the treatment we were both so mellow. From there we headed to Francesca's on Taylor in Italian Village for some yummy pasta and a nice dry Chianti.

It was a treat getting to stay downtown at the Chicago Hilton for work for nearly a week. Shannon was only ten minutes away from work, so we got to have breakfast at The Artists' Cafe a couple of times; and I was close enough to home where I got to sleep in my own bed on Saturday night then wander in in plenty of time for a meeting on Sunday afternoon. Friday we met with the Rev and some of his friends at Fado (AWESOME!!!) followed by Kittie O'Shea's (SUCKASS!!!!); and Monday night my friend Beck met me for dinner at Ben Pao. We had a reception for the examiner's on Sunday night in the Hilton's Grand Ballroom (niiiiiiiiiiiiiice!!!!) where the bartender took a real shine to me and had a Beefeater gimlet waiting for me every time I came into sight. You know it's a bad sign when you go back to your hotel room after a 2-hour reception with 2 gimlets in hand that the bartender had given you before he closed down, and half an hour later you find you're sobbing through the movie Juno which you'd rented through On Demand. Let's just say, Juno's a good movie - better than I'd expected - but it's not exactly a tearjerker.

Last week I had two meetings and two dinners immediately following two very intense, very long days of exams at the VA. The VA was awesome, the staff was fantastic, and the exams went very smoothly, but it doesn't matter how smoothly things go - they're still very long days. I'm really glad I don't have to attend another one until November! By the weekend I was exhausted and in alot of pain. I'd pulled my hip weeks before and it didn't seem to be getting any better. In fact, it appeared to me it was getting worse. I decided to test it by walking with Shannon over 10 miles to Santorini's to meet Beck and her friends for dinner before EDDIE IZZARD!!!! who was AWESOME!!!!
Two celebrity sitings in one week! Okay, so I bought tickets for one of them... It still counts! I can't wait for the Stripped video. He was in top form, and his new material was fantastic. I especially loved the giraffes and the immoral dinosaurs. I seriously hope somebody puts a video of dinosaurs wrestling in 70's wrestling gear on YouTube for him - he totally earned it!

Here's something from YouTube for you, though you've probably seen this before: The Lego version of Eddie's Death Star Canteen bit:

Sunday we went to the gym where I decided that my hip was seriously damaged and would have to be replaced with anything but pain. Shannon and I got online and I determined it was the sacro-iliac joint, and that I'd torn all of my ligaments, muscles, and tendons, and somehow the cartilage had turned to bits of glass. Monday I got on line looking for an ortho who specialized in non-invasive (read: non surgical/non-17" thick needles full of ouchie juice) and came across the name of the Bears' orthopaedic surgeon. What the heck! I thought. He deals with pulls and strains and breaks and injuries and 700-pound linebackers who cry at the sight of a needle on a daily basis. Feeling I have the physique of a linebacker, or at least a running back, these days, I decided I decided I would fit in in his office as well as anybody, and gave his office a call. I went for my appointment yesterday and was told that yes, it was my SI joint (YES!!!) and that I didn't need any treatment but rehab - it would heal by itself within 6-8 weeks (YESSS!!!!!) I'd just pulled a bunch of little muscles and twisted them really badly. Stupid yoga-lates!! The entire visit - with x-rays - took under 20 minutes. It was the most efficiently run office I'd ever seen! The diagnosis portion was hilarious: "Here's your x-ray, so you can see nothing's broken or torn. Stand up. Now turn this way, twist this way, turn this way, lean to the right. It's your SI joint." When I went to check out the receptionist asked what part of the body I was going for rehab for so he could fill out the paperwork, and I responded "I've twisted the muscles in my sacro-iliac joint."


"Uh, I hurt my hip?"

"Hip. There you go!"

I am a relieved JoJo! I won't be doing too much at the gym for a few weeks, but at least I know I can walk from our place to Evanston to see NeverWhere tomorrow.

And now, I leave you with some Friday joy: Richard Simmons on Who's Line Is It, Anyway? with Colin and Ryan. This may be the funniest scene I've ever seen on this show:


Dreamy McDre-meme Awards, aka, the AWK(a)WARD!!!!(s):

Shannon posted the query: If I had to choose between the Doctor and Dean, who would I rather make out with, and who I'd rather hang out with.

"AWKWARD!!!!" would be my initial reaction, and

"HEY! What about Gaeta??" my immediate second.

I'm going to have to ponder this through Seasons 4 of Doctor Who and Battlestar Galactica; and Season 3 of Supernatural, but you're free to let me know whenever you wish.


Especially this one.

Here's a tip, lady - next time you want to "scare" a group of Red Sox fans, try using clever, witty verbal banter rather than your freaking car.

Stupid drunken idiot. You're 43 freaking years old!! WTF is wrong with you? Good luck with that "not guilty" plea.

I think the New Hampshire authorities should release you to Boston. Massachusetts may not have the death penalty* but it's fulla thousands of Red Sox fans, and I have a feeling they'd know how to "scare" you but good.

*(for the record, I oppose the death penalty, though I do believe that rapists, child molesters, and wife batterers should be turned over to me and considered to have never existed on this planet from that point on.)

We may not be able to afford this in time for her Bat Mitzvah,

but maybe if Sammy keeps her grades up and maintains a serious interest in drumming, we can all chip in for these when she gets accepted to the first ever accredited integrated drummerbagelartphysicianlaw program at Northwestern (I hope it's at Northwestern! I can meet her for Zombie's at The Kaffeine or Dantes at Cafe Express!):

How cool are the fish?!? It's been over thirty years so they must be HUGE by now....

Doctor Who Season 3 Should Have Ended Sooner

Approximately an episode and a half sooner.

I can't tell you what a disappointment the last two episodes of Doctor Who, Season 3 were for me, especially after the two episodes preceding them (episodes 9 and 10) were SO brilliant.

"Utopia" showed major promise, but left a lot of unanswered questions, suffered from spotty writing, and, let's just say.... having Derek Jacobi in there was a major tease. His successor's character was no where near as fabulous, and the writing from "Utopia" on through the end of the season became progressively more slapdash. Even the Scissors Sisters couldn't save either of the last two episodes.

I'm just going to pretend the last two episodes didn't happen, and say that the season ended with the superamazing episode: "Blink." I'm actually going to have to make a new tradition of watching it every year 'round Halloween.

My biggest fear is that Doctor Who has jumped the shark, and I REALLY hope I'm wrong. This thought dawned on me when I realized this morning that, though I cannot wait for them to announce when Supernatural Season 3 will be released on DVD; I find I am not waiting with baited breath for Doctor Who Season 4 as I had been for Season 3 after we'd finished watching the previous season. When we'd finished Season 2, I actually bumped up our Netflix queue to "5 at a time" in order to get our next Doctor Who fix AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE!

I'm really hoping that Doctor Who has not jumped the shark with "Blink," that the writers just blew their wad a bit early in the season, and after some time off to relax and renew their idea banks they'll be back next season (Season 4, currently airing on the SciFi Channel) with episodes that are as good or better than Season 3's episodes 9 and 10.


It has become clear to me that we're going to have to move to Alabama. NOW. It has come to my glaring attention that my Fairy God-Motherly influence is very dearly missed in the rearing of my innocent GodBaby!

I mean,.... it's just that,.... Can you believe?!?!..... I can't even talk. Just take a look at this picture!

BUDWEISER???? CAMELS??? Dear GOD! I'm on my way, Sammy!

If anyone needs me you can find me at Binny's stocking up on Benson & Hedges and Guinness.

Oh, no! I can't remember..... Help me! How many bottles of Laphroig will fit into an average-sized suitcase?!?!? Think! THINK!!! I just, I just can't focus my thoughts! I'm all a dither! I can't believe things have gotten this far beyond my control.