Katy Perry,

You may have kissed a girl, you may have liked it,

But I'm pretty sure that girl has been gargling with bleach ever since, trying to forget.

I gotta tell you, if I'd been ever "gotten so brave/drink in hand/curious," and I found YOU the one chick in the bar attractive enough to kiss, red warning flags would have gone up all over the place. Not only would I never drink again, I would swear off of cold medicine and oysters; I would destroy any canisters of whipped cream, Aqua Net, and WD-40 I had in my home, car or office; I'd substitute Crayola for all of my Sharpies; and I would immediately seek out professional help.

ESPECIALLY if I'd found you attractive with one of your Amazon millipede fake eyelashes missing.

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