31.3.09

To Those Vegans and Health Food Nuts Out There

who say you can substitute rice or soy "cheese" for a healthy alternative "cheesy snack:"


You are completely full of LIES!!! and I hate you! Especially when you claim ANY cheese substitute to be "delicious!"


Seriously, you know you're in trouble when "It Melts!" is the best thing you can say about a product. I mean, plastic melts, too! Hmmm, plastic.....maybe I should be chewing on my stapler? Probably has more flavor....


I suggest you health nutters and Peta-peeps who want to congratulate me on my healthy, animal cruelty free afternoon "snack" choice stay faaaaaaaaaaaaaar away from me until Easter, and even then I'd wait until after I've gorged myself into a stupor on chocolate bunnies, cheese fries, Ben and Jerry's new organic chocolate macadamia nut ice cream, a gallon of Pepsi, fried mozzerella, a bucket of fried crispy chicken, mac and cheese, pizza, chicken-fried cheese, chocolate coated cheese curds, cheezy cheese bread, chicken fried chicken, and an Outback Steakhouse-sized plate heaped high with grilled cheese sammiches. If a SINGLE ONE of those sammiches is made with fake cheese, someone will pay. DO WE UNDERSTAND EACHOTHER???




Now excuse me while I finish choking down my organic brown rice crackers and pepperjack rice "cheese" while I try to imagine not so much that they are the real thing, but that they are edible, and that I'm not dying a little inside with each bite.

Huh. These crackers would actually be okay topped with brie.

Or smoked cheddar....

or sharp cheddar!

or stilton...

or Stinking Bishop!

or Dominick's spinach dip....

or abondance....

or leerdammer, munster or jarlsberg!

or cream cheese and smoked salmon!

I must stop now or I will cry.


5 comments:

Shannon said...

That creepy little girl is how I picture what you look like inside...

OrangeMoJoJo said...

I am not, erm, I mean, she is NOT creepy! Just a healthy, happy, little pigtailed girl with a cheese fetish. IS IT WRONG??

Butternugget said...

I agree with you 100%, I've never had a vegan cheese that I thought was anything other than barely edible.

Last week a co-worker was telling me how great the vegan nachos she had for lunch were. I didn't see them, she was describing them after the fact. At one point when she paused trying to remember the other ingredient that was on them I blurted out "cardboard or sawdust".

We all laughed but later I felt bad and apologized for being so down on the vegan nachos and being rude.

OrangeMoJoJo said...

I especially had motivational health nuts in mind when I wrote this post. I read something like "if you're craving chocolate mint ice cream, have a cup of peppermint tea instead!" "Craving a candy bar? Substitute 9 raisins! They're just as sweet and chock full of vitamins and minerals!" "Is cheese what your jonesing for? Try a cheese substitute like rice cheese! Two slices on dry whole grain toast will quash that craving right away!"
Sure! It quashes your craving by quashing my will to LIVE!

Anonymous said...

Vegan cheese sucks!
That little girl pulp picture, rocks!

Werewolf Boy